


to love someone who doesn't feel the same (i don't love you)

by silverkatana



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, M/M, love that can't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 22:56:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16396670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverkatana/pseuds/silverkatana
Summary: in which heechul accepts that he's in love with jungsoo, and accepts that he can't be.





	to love someone who doesn't feel the same (i don't love you)

**Author's Note:**

> it's just another angst fic of mine i guess... enjoy?

It’s not immediately after that he realises. It’s not after the first week, or month, or even year. No; it’s thirteen years after they’ve debuted, when he’s lying in bed at eight in the morning with no one to talk to in the middle of winter.

 

He’s cold, lonely, bored, and the first person he thinks of just has to be Jungsoo; it couldn’t have been someone else - not his sister, nor his childhood best friends - no, it just  _ had _ to be Jungsoo.

 

At eight am on a frigid winter morning Kim Heechul sits upright in bed and comes to the conclusion that he misses Park Jungsoo a lot more than he should.

 

“Jungsoo-ah.” He’s dialled Jungsoo’s number and is speaking into his phone before he can even stop himself, and for a moment it crackles and Heechul realises for the first time how terrifying phone calls can be.

 

And then Jungsoo replies with a non-committal hum, and Heechul is pretty sure his heart contracts in his chest because it’s been too damn long since he’s heard Jungsoo’s voice (unless he switches on the TV, but that’s not quite the same).

 

_ Oh, shit. _

 

They’re two minutes into a needless conversation and Heechul has to fight down the urge to yell “I miss you” into his phone. They’re two minutes into a phone call and Heechul belatedly realises that the last time he’s felt like - to some extent, at least - was when he realised he genuinely liked his (now ex) girlfriend.

 

So Heechul does the only thing he can think of. 

 

He tears the phone away from his ear, and in one swift motion, ends the call with a forceful jab down onto the red button. There’s a second of silence before a detached beeping sound fills the air, signalling the cut-off connection, and Heechul lets out a breath he doesn’t know he’s been holding.

 

He can’t be in love with Jungsoo, he decides adamantly, throwing his phone under the covers as it rings - a confused Jungsoo calling him back. It’s too sudden of a realisation for him to believe himself;  _ no _ , he insists, he can’t even begin to  _ like  _ Park Jungsoo. It’s just not possible.

 

It just can’t happen.

 

So he does the next few logical things that he can think of - promptly burying every shred of feelings he isn’t supposed to have in the first place, leaving his phone hidden in the covers and not calling Jungsoo back.

 

Maybe in time, he’ll be able to trick even himself into forgetting he ever had feelings towards Park Jungsoo.

 

_ You can’t have them _ , he reminds himself as he forces himself to ignore his insistently ringing phone,  _ Not after thirteen years. Not like this. _

 

_ It’s just not possible. _

  
  
  


The problem arises when spring rolls around and flowers begin to grow again, and the blanket of white that covers Seoul lifts and gives way to familiar grey pavements and dark roofs. Heechul’s phone vibrates halfway through a Sunday afternoon, and he squints at it partway through flicking through television channels to see a message in the Super Junior group chat. 

 

_ Meet at the studio tomorrow to discuss our upcoming comeback. _

 

He doesn’t think much of it, doesn’t mull over the possible consequences of seeing Jungsoo again; or perhaps he doesn’t allow himself to think about it.

 

More so the latter.

 

Not until he’s seated at the table joking around with Donghae minutes before the official meeting between the members commences, and Jungsoo conveniently decides to take a seat right next to him, at least. From there, everything passes by in a blur, and by the time the discussion is over Heechul doesn’t even know what title song they’ve decided on because he’s been so fixated on keeping his mind off Jungsoo.

 

He doesn’t know how much time passes, but at some point he dully registers Jungsoo calling for the meeting to adjourn, and telling them to meet again at the studio on Wednesday; he’s one of the first to stand, eager to get away from Jungsoo before his mind suffocates him with too many thoughts.

 

Life doesn’t seem to enjoy going his way, though. “Heechul!” A voice cuts through the air, one that he can recognise from the first breath - Jungsoo’s. “Can you stay behind for a little while? I need to talk to you.”

 

“Then talk,” he says as blithely as he can, hoping that his voice doesn’t waver. They stand in the room, a thick and too-obvious silence hanging between them as the last of the staff members trail out, not looking away but not making eye contact either.

 

“Why did you call me?” Jungsoo asks bluntly. “And why did you never reply afterwards? I called you thrice and texted you twice.”

 

_ Oh. _

 

“It’s nothing,” he responds, his words coming out rushed, and his eyes remain trained on the ground, flicking to the plain white walls, to the closed door; anywhere but Jungsoo’s gaze. “Forget that happened.”

 

“Heechul,” Jungsoo’s voice raises - oh wait, no, Heechul realises a little too late; Jungsoo’s volume doesn’t grow exponentially louder as he originally thinks - no, it’s just that Jungsoo is now mere inches away from him, pinning him with a stare that he swears burns little invisible holds into his clothes and through his flesh.

 

They’re close.

 

Too close.

 

“Please just tell me.”

 

Jungsoo sounds so defeated, his tone subdued, that he makes Heechul almost want to burst out with  _ I think I’m love with you but I’m too scared to tell you because it can’t happen, not now, not then, and not ever. _

 

He doesn’t, though.

 

“I just felt like speaking to someone, so I called you,” Heechul says as casually as he can, but it’s either the way he refuses to make eye contact or the way his heart thuds too loudly in the quietude that hangs between them that betrays him; Jungsoo only moves closer, and never takes that stare off of him.

 

“Then why did you hang up?”

 

“Because-” His voice catches in his throat; and then his mind fails him, and all words and pathetic excuses refuse to come out.

 

“You know…” Jungsoo turns away from him and puts some distance between them by walking over to lean against a chair, and the relief that shudders through his body is so strong it seems almost palpable. “I was pretty excited when you called, since you don’t call me often.”

 

He moves back until his spine is against the wall, as far away from Jungsoo as he can get without seeming overly eager to get away. “I’m not good at phone calls,” he lies as smoothly as he can, “I had nothing to say, so I hung up.”

 

“And why didn’t you reply to me after that?” Jungsoo presses. “It would’ve been common courtesy to respond.”

 

Heechul laughs curtly. “Both of us know that I don’t have that when it comes to people who are close to me.”

 

“Whatever it was,” Jungsoo says finally, and the first thing that rushes through Heechul’s head is  _ thank god it’s finally ending _ , “Why was I the one you called?”

 

“Jungsoo, I’ll be going now,” he chokes out, and his voice wobbles, and he knows Jungsoo can hear it as clearly as he can.

 

He begins to walk towards the door, and as his fingers close around the handle he sneaks one last glance at Jungsoo who remains in his spot -  _ is he not going to stop me? _

 

“You’re pretty cruel,” Jungsoo exhales, and Heechul freezes on the spot, not taking his hand away from the door handle but not leaving either. “You’re not allowed to play with people’s feelings like that.”

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

Jungsoo walks towards him, and he forgets how to speak for a moment.

 

“It’s been thirteen years, Heechul-ah.”

 

He averts his gaze as well as he can, but skin meets his own and he has to swallow down a strangled noise that bubbles up in his throat as Jungsoo’s fingers curl under his chin and lifts his head till they’re making even eye contact. 

 

“Do you know how it feels?” Jungsoo whispers, so soft that Heechul finds himself straining just to catch fragments of what he’s saying, “To love someone who doesn’t feel the same?”

 

_ Of course I do. _

 

_ It’s you, after all. _

 

“When you called me because you were lonely, my mind rushed to possibilities against my will.” Jungsoo’s gaze is filled with so much emotion that he’s unable to decipher, and it terrifies him. “I thought about all the ‘what if’s’ that I shouldn’t have thought about. And then I called you over and over, and texted you, but I never got a reply, so until now I’m left with one last question in my head.”

 

_ This is impossible _ , is all that fills Heechul’s head as his mind spins, as though he were suffering from vertigo, as he tries to make sense of Jungsoo’s words.  _ No matter what he says, no matter what the truth is, it can’t happen. _

 

“Can I ask you one question before you go?” Jungsoo asks, and he sounds so frail and tired that Heechul can’t find it in him to say no.

 

“What if I’m in love with you?” Jungsoo asks, and Heechul experiences what it’s like to have his whole world temporarily freeze in time.

 

_ This cannot happen. _

 

Everything rushes by in a blur; all his thoughts are overwhelming, and his fingers slip from the door handle and curl helplessly into a fist as he stares blankly at Jungsoo, whose gaze just bears straight back into his own eyes.

 

His career,  _ their  _ career, everything they’ve worked for for thirteen years and counting; he looks at Jungsoo, at the man who he finally accepts that he’s in love with - at the man who has just told him that he’s in love with him too - and comes to a conclusion.

 

_ I’m sorry, but I can’t ruin these thirteen years. _

 

Heechul feels a pain more intense than any physical affliction he’s ever known, and in the back of his mind he dully registers that maybe this is what heartbreak feels like.

 

“Jungsoo-yah,” he whispers, and Jungsoo looks straight at him - so hopeful, so lost, so confused all at once that he either wants to crumble to the ground and beg forgiveness or hold Jungsoo close and tell him that everything is going to be alright, or maybe both, he can’t decide.

 

_ Your smile is my favourite thing in this whole world but now I have to watch it fade and I’m so so sorry. _

 

“I don’t love you,” he says.


End file.
